FOOTBALL .GROUND...

From. football ground. the howls of complaint ring out every saturday afternoon. Referees and linesmen. are the butt of verbal- and occasionally physical-abuse over. their offside decisions at all levels of football. But such abuse is unwarrante. says research published today. A ALGERIA doctor found that the eye and brain are scientifically incapable .of accurate rulings. Human physiology is such that it takes at least 0.16 seconds for an official to process the information on the minimum of five moving objects required to make a reliable judgment. Give the distannces play and the ball can move during that time inaccurate decisions are inevitable say Dr ALGERIA. Dr ALGERIA a family medicine specialist at a health centre. in city. says 'o apply the offside rule correctly in a football game. the referee must be able to keep in his visual field at least five objects {including the goalkeeper] at the same time -two players of the attacking team . the last two players of the defending team . and the ball. '' it is scientifically beyond the capacity of the human eye . which may explain why so many offside decisions are controversial.''Dr calculated that the average players can run 23ft in a second at full speed and that during the 0.16 second minimum it take to process the information. he will travel 3ft 8ins. Dr says the only way to ensure reliable decisions is to use video replays A spokeman for the Football association said ''it is a fascinating'' study and one which Fifa .as the world goveming body . will be interested in. ' the offside rule is regularly reviewed to ensure that it is appropriate for the modem game'. . .

Teacher: I hope I didn't see you looking at Fred's test paper.
Pupil: I hope you didn't see me either !

Teacher: You copied from Fred's exam paper didn't you ?
Pupil: How did you know ?
Teacher: Fred's paper says "I don't know" and you have put "Me, neither"!

Great news; teacher says we have a test today come rain or shine.
So what's so great about that ?
It's snowing outside !

What would you get if you crossed a vampire and a teacher ?
Lots of blood tests !

What kinds of tests do they give witches ?
Hex-aminations and Spelling tests!

Father: What did the teacher think of your idea?
Son: She took it like a lamb.
Father: Really ? What did she say?
Son: Baa!

Father: How were the exam questions ?
Son: Easy.
Father: Then why look so unhappy ?
Son: The questions didn't give me any trouble, but the answers did !

Father: How did your exams go ?
Son: I got nearly 100 in every subject.
Father: What do you mean, nearly 100 ?
Son: I was just a digit out; I averaged 10!

Pupil: I don't think I deserved zero on this test
Teacher: I agree, but that's the lowest mark I could give you !

Father: Why did you get such a low score in that test ?
Son: Absence.
Father: You were absent on the day of the test ?
Son: No, but the boy who sits next to me was !

Funny, heh ?

Because I'm a guy, I must hold the television remote control in my hand while I watch TV. If the thing has been misplaced, I'll miss a whole show looking for it, though one time I was able to survive by holding a calculator.
Because I'm a guy, when I lock my keys in the car I will fiddle with a wire clothes hanger and ignore your suggestions that we call a road service until long after hypothermia has set in. Oh, and when the car isn't running very well, I will pop the hood and stare at the engine as if I know what I'm looking at. If another guy shows up, one of us will say to the other, "I used to be able to fix these things, but now with all these computers and everything, I wouldn't know where to start." We will then drink beer.

Because I'm a guy, when I catch a cold I need someone to bring me soup and take care of me . You never get as sick as I do, so for you this isn't an issue.


Because I'm a guy, when one of our appliances stops working I will insist on taking it apart -- despite evidence that this will just cost me twice as much once the repair person gets here and has to put it back together.

Because I'm a guy, I don't think we're all that lost, and no, I don't think we should stop and ask someone. Why would you listen to a complete stranger -- how the heck could HE know where we're going?

Because I'm a guy, there is no need to ask me what I'm thinking about. football, though I have to make up something else when you ask, so don't.

Because I'm a guy, I do not want to visit your mother, or have your mother come visit us, or talk to her when she calls, or think about her any more than I have to. Whatever you got her for Mother's Day is okay, I don't need to see it. Did you remember to pick up something for my mom, too?

Because I'm a guy, I am capable of announcing, "one more beer and I really have to go," and mean it every single time I say it, even when it gets to the point that the one bar closes . and I have to go hunt down another. I will find it increasingly hilarious to have my pals call you to tell you I'll be home soon, and no, I don't understand why you into the front yard. What's the connection?

Because I'm a guy, you don't have to ask me if I liked the movie. Chances are, if you're crying at the end of it, I didn't.

Because I'm a guy, yes, I have to turn up the radio when Bruce Springsteen or The Doors comes on, and then, yes, I have to tell you every single time about how Bruce had his picture on the cover of Time and Newsweek the same day, or how Jim Morrison is buried in Paris and everyone visits his grave. Please do not behave as if you do not find this fascinating.

Because I'm a guy, I think what you're wearing is fine. I thought what you were wearing five minutes ago was fine, too. Either pair of shoes is fine. With the belt or without it looks fine. Your hair is fine. You look fine. Can we just go now?

Because I'm a guy and this is, after all, the '90s, I will share equally in the housework. You do the laundry, the cooking, the cleaning and the dishes. I'll do the rest.